The Great Party of the North: Lost in Asia

There's Only One Martin O'Neill

2006-10-12T04:05:00.000+09:00

Funny breed football supporters in this country. Very short memories. Apparently the reason we underperformed under Eriksson is that he isn't English, conveniently forgetting the awful performances under the undoubtably passionate Keegan.

Incapable, Incompetent, In the Job... (From BBC Sport)

So instead, we get McLaren, despite the fact that all 45 million people in the country regarded him as a bad choice. The FA once again ignored collective wisdom and the right man for the job is now reviving Aston Villa.
Eriksson got criticized for producing teams that didn't perform in friendlies. McLaren has changed all that - now we don't perform in competitive fixtures.

Great comment by Mike Ingram on BBC Radio 5 Live though - "Well, I'm sorry to say Graham, but I think thats the first qualification defeat England have suffered in 13 or 14 years, since the 2-0 defeat in Holland when you were in charge",
Yes Mike, absolutely. That is, if you ignore the loss away to Northern Ireland this time last year, and the home defeats by Italy (World Cup 98 qualifiers) and Germany (World Cup 02 qualifiers). And they're just the ones off the top of my head. It's the accuracy and attention to detail we pay our licence fee for.

Canned Laughter

2006-09-18T01:30:00.000+09:00

Yes, the rumours are true: I'm going back to Japan. Why, you ask? Is it for the people, the places, the sumo or the sushi? Perhaps the concrete tower blocks or the capitalism run amok?

No, I say, no. I can find all those things here in Blighty. There's one thing, and one thing only drawing me back...

It's the canned coffee that never fails to put a smile on your face.

Boredom

2006-08-04T04:31:00.000+09:00

Who says I have too much time on my hands?

Linguistics

2006-07-17T08:33:00.000+09:00

Richard Waghorne’s spurious views on the Irish language (see previous article) got me thinking about the importance of understanding your own language and what etymology can teach us about our own country.

England is a classic case in point, a country that is only truly defined by the borders it shares with its neighbours and is in truth a mixture of parts that hold surprisingly little in common or that hold each other with much regard. The North dislikes the South; Yorkshire dislikes Lancashire, Cornwall talks of the Cornish nation whilst the Geordie nation populates the North East.

The only time the nation comes together is to pour excessive hopes and emotions into the national football squad and the speed with which the flags are discarded after the team’s inevitable exit speaks volumes.

And then you look at the place names found and the language used in the different areas and you begin to find a pattern that can be traced back to the autonomous kingdoms of the early first millennium.

Cornish has strong connections with other Gaelic languages, but this is not spoken by the majority. It is in the daily colloquialisms, the adaptations of English that it echoes down the ages. Many North Western turns of phrase have similar linguistic routes; the word ‘nesh’ (to describe someone who feels the cold easily) for example, was originally Welsh but is rarely heard anywhere outside the Liverpool/Manchester area. Many town, river and hill names have Celtic/Gaelic roots, often Latinized, but with a history predating the Roman arrival. Yorkshire and North East names take their origins from Scandinavian languages, a result of the Viking dominance in the area and common Northern phrases such as ‘ta’ for thanks, and ‘ter ra’ for goodbye are direct derivations from the Danish.

South Western place names are almost exclusively either Anglo-Saxon, or anglicised versions of Latin town names (such as London and Colchester). The area wiped clean its memories of its earlier Celtic history (probably due to being the first area of the Island controlled by the Saxons and the most heavily controlled by the Romans) and only ever had minimal input from the Vikings. Local expressions are a corruption of English, or new invention (rhyming slang for example) rather than the use of the areas former languages.

The fact that these differences still exist, 1500 years after the regions existed as separate kingdoms is astonishing, especially when compared with Germany, where regional differences are far less defined, despite only being unified into a single state less than 300 years ago. English regions held onto many of their original qualities without ever emerging as separate nations. Yet England still exists as a single nation, regions united more by their differences from their neighbours, than their similarities with each other.

Perhaps it is why the English subscribed more readily to the concept of being British than the Welsh or the Scots – in truth it’s just a use of another generic term to refer to a group of disparate people. The national traits the British supposedly conformed to were those of primarily the peoples of south west England. It was – and still is – where the power lay. The rest of England had already had these characteristics superimposed over their own customs in the name of being English. The Scots and Welsh fought it more because they had a more defined sense of their own nationalities – helped by a clearer, more defined language of their own, even it wasn’t in everyday use by that time.

This is why I believe knowing your own language is important, even if you’re never going to use it. It helps me look at the fractured nature of my country in another way, just as it helped the Welsh and the Scots maintain their national identities in the face of attempts to anglicise them. It tells you about where you’re from. It tells you who you are. And that is why Waghorne completely underestimates the importance of the Irish language to the country’s own self awareness.

Richard Waghorne and his Sicilian Notes

2006-07-17T06:14:00.000+09:00

Ciara recently mentioned discovering the internet home of one Richard Waghorne and requested that the world flame him for his self-indulgent rancid writings. Rather than do that, I’m actually going to take issue with some of his blinkered, repulsive bile. His blog can be viewed at Sicilian Notes, but I’ve included quotes in italics.

First, his anti-Human Rights Council Rant

On the eve of the first session of the new Human Rights Council in Geneva, you rightly said: "I hope we are not going to see a situation where the Human Rights Council focuses on Israel, but not on the others."

Sadly, that is exactly what has happened. The obsession with Israel which discredited the old Human Rights Commission has been transferred to the new Human Rights Council. We have had a resolution condemning Israel but ignoring Palestinian acts of terror and violence. Condemnation of Israel is to be a fixed item on the agenda at all future Council meetings.

We urge you to speak out again. Tell the Human Rights Council that its fixation with Israel is not acceptable. Make the Human Rights Council understand that its agenda should be about promoting human rights, and not the narrow interests of its member states, many of which themselves have appalling human rights records.

Mr. Secretary-General, if we cannot have a Human Rights Council which does not make a mockery out of the noble concept of human rights, then perhaps we should not have one at all. The choice is clear: reform or disband.

Well, yes, except that condemning acts of terrorism is not encompassed by the councils remit. Pointing out that member states - including Israel - are abusing human rights is part of their role however. Perhaps ultra pro-Israel narrow minded lobbyists such as Richard don’t believe that Palestinians are deserving of human rights. Maybe they prefer to neatly avoid the possibility that it was the very denial of these human rights that led to the formation and actions of groups such as Hamas. Just a thought.

The Irish Times Reporting of Israel’s assault on Lebanon

…is a model example of the anti-Israeli bias in D'Olier Street. First, Israel did not "escalate" the situation, Lebanon did. A cross-border raid killed several Israeli soldiers and captured another two. That was the escalation. Israel's ground operation that followed was designed to cut off routes deeper into Lebanon to prevent their captured soldiers from being spirited further from safety…

Firstly, I for one would like to congratulate the Irish Times for taking a more balanced view of the current situation. In the UK, even the most left leaning daily, The Guardian, is generally viewed as being fairly pro-Palestine, but has recently come under fire for reporting all incidents as beginning with Palestinian terrorist activity whilst ignoring prior actions by Israel. The BBC’s pro-Israel bias has been commented on in many sources. So, I’m delighted to see that the Irish Times has recognised Israel’s response as inappropriate and extreme, and applaud the people who attended today’s demonstration against Israeli aggression in Dublin.

Secondly, I would contend that the escalation wasn’t the kidnap of two Israeli soldiers. It was Israel’s capture and imprisonment of at least 700 Lebanese citizens on charges of terrorism. Or perhaps it was the execution of over 4,000 Palestinians. Either way, Israel has blood on her hands and is not the innocent party she or much of the western press like to believe.

The serviceable analogy would be if the IRA, sitting in the Irish government, captured troops from the North, killing the rest. For a party in government to do such a thing is an indisuptable act of war. It is deeply disappointing that the Irish Times presents this as a matter of opinion on Israel's part when it is completely clear-cut.

I’m shocked that anyone living in Ireland, regardless of political viewpoint could come up with such an analogy. To look at the basic facts, Sinn Fein had representatives in the Irish parliament at a time that the IRA were carrying out kidnappings, assassinations and attacks on both military and civilian personnel in the North, as well as carrying out a bombing campaign on mainland Britain. Rightly or wrongly, Sinn Fein was and is regarded as the political wing of the IRA. Britain’s response to the activities of both the IRA and republican sympathisers was certainly questionable at best, and in some tragic circumstances, truly horrific. However, they never once resorted to responding by ordering missile attacks on Ireland. Indeed, it was only through peaceful discussion that Northern Ireland was moved towards a more stable situation.

There is a set framework for reporting attacks on Israel. First, Israel is designated as the party at fault. Second, straightforward designations such as terrorism or act of war are relativised and undermined. Third, the required response is dismissed as somehow extreme, and the editors in Dublin 2 call for calm and restraint.

Actually, most reporting of attacks on Israel shows their military actions to be purely responsive, and minimises the initial actions by Israel’s army that often provoke terrorism in the first place. The recent kidnap of an Israeli soldier by Palestinians through the network of tunnels is a case in point.

Today's editorial has all three. First, Israel is blamed for escalation the day after it suffers an unprovoked attack by the government of a neighbouring state. Second, the nature of this attack and its legal and political status as an act of war is put in question. Third, the appropriate response - coercion and punishment designed to deter future agression and free the captured soldiers - is dismissed as an 'escalation', with the implicit charge that Israel is overresponsding and thus bringing future attacks on itself.

Well, they are. And even the most hardened pro-Israel politicians in the US are recognising that fact. The closest the region got to peace was when Clinton got the Israeli’s and the Palestinian leaders talking to each other in Washington in the mid nineties. Sadly, Ariel Sharon came into power and his extreme rightwing, aggression as deterrent policy brought this previous good work to an end.

Fighting on two fronts is testing for a small democracy in a profoundly hostile environment. The least the moral cretins at the Irish Times can do is acknowledge an unprovoked act of war for what it is and afford an embattled state the right to self-defence.

Democracy? Aha. Oh, you’re being serious. Yes, an absolute model of a truly democratic society. This is, if you ignore the indigenous population who were living in the region before the formation of the state of Israel, who were than given absolutely no rights in their own homelands.

All countries have the right to self defence. This doesn’t give them the right to launch all out assaults on their neighbours, leading to hundreds of civilian deaths. And as for ‘small’, Israel boast the fourth largest military force in the world, as well as being unquestioningly supported by the biggest bully in the playground, America.

And of course, the main reason Israel are embattled on multiple fronts is the land grab they perpetrated in the sixties. Some might say that that was the action that provoked everything that has occurred since. Some might argue that that was the initial escalation. While we’re talking about escalation, what exactly is the reason that Iran is desperate to become a nuclear state? Could it be because Israel already has nuclear weapons, and they’re pointing at Tehran?

Richard on criticism

Email From Udaras

Udaras, the Gaeltacht development board, has been in touch. I believe, though I'm open to correction, that this is taxpayer funded body:

Hey there Dick,

You say a lot, but have you any actual reasons or back-up to your article entitled ‘we can do without Irish’, other than your own spurious and totally groundless opinions. In response I simply say, “We can do without Waghorne’.

Go away, and rot, somewhere outside Ireland so your ilk does not pollute any of my Irish island

Sáigh suas do thóin é

Ultan Ó Haodha

Your taxes at work.

Update 1: Impressive. I took a phone call from an extremely apologetic Udaras lady an hour or so ago and this followed in the email shortly thereafter:

Mr Waghorne a chara,

I would like to apologise to you for my previous mail. The sentiments contained were wholly my own and did not in anyway express the opinions of Údarás na Gaeltachta. It was a misuse of my Údarás na Gaeltachta e-mail account.

I apologise for any offence caused.

Is mise le meas

Ultan Ó hAodha

Ultan, it should be noted, was there on work experience and isn't Udaras staff, something I'm happy to pass on. I fear his career prospects have not been enhanced, but that's his problem. The Udaras staff I spoke with were exemplary.

So, someone has the nerve to criticize you, you feel the need to complain to their employers. I doubt Ultan’s career prospects have been harmed at all, and the only outcome is a valuable lesson about how and when to use your work email address. Particularly when a petty, small minded person such as Richard is involved.

Israel’s motivation

Israel is now on the move on two fronts. On each, its action is defensive, seeking to recover soldiers captured from inside Israel. On each, the adversary is a terrorist group committed to the murder of Israelis and the destruction of their state. Their actions are designed to wear down Israel through attrition.

And their motivations are not at all to gain independent lives on their own terms, without interference and threats of military assault from the Israeli government? I do not deny there is certainly an extreme element among Muslim’s in the region who want nothing more than the total destruction of Israel. But Israel’s recent policy of punishing all for the beliefs of the few is clearly at odds with democracy, human rights and basic decency.

Justice lies clearly and unambiguously with Israel, a democracy resisting an existential threat from enemies with whom no negotiated settlement is possible.

Technically, it was Israel who pulled out of talks with Palestinian leaders, not the other way around. It was Ariel Sharon who refused to deal with Arafat, for not controlling Hamas. This directly lead to the situation where common Palestinians saw no alternative than to elect Hamas as their majority government, which conveniently gave the Israeli government further reason not to resume talks. If a negotiated settlement is not possible, it is because of Israel’s intransigence.

Jew Haters

I got a letter that cheered me up greatly. I am now affiliate faculty at both the University of Haifa and at Bar-Ilan University. So if the Jew haters try to get a boycott of Israel started here, they have to formally boycott a member and former secretary of the union. Chew on that, you little creeps.

Once again, we see the claim that criticism of Israel is motivated purely by hatred of Jews. I don’t hate Jews. But do I think the actions of the Israeli government over the last 10 years have been appalling.

The Irish Question

Irish is about as much a part of our heritage as are famines, which is to say we should keep the memory of it alive and make sure a few specialists know it well, but be glad that in the end it's a part of the past, not the present. While it's correct to say that Irish is a part of our heritage, it's a distinctly unimportant part. There is nothing particular to the Irish language that is essential to valuing Irish heritage. By any reasonable definition, there are two aspects to taking one's heritage seriously - history and culture. Neither require Irish. The Irish language is not needed to be more than adequately appraised of Irish history and culture.

No, language is an essential part of history and culture. Students should be offered the chance to know about this key facet of their country. People who become bilingual at an early age have a better chance of learning and adapting to other languages, so it serves a purpose for the future as well. I can neither pronounce nor understand Irish but I see no reason why Irish students shouldn’t be given the chance to learn it. Whether they take that opportunity is then their own choice.

In fact, approaching each through Irish rather than English puts you at a distinct handicap. Irish history happened through English for the most part and at the least for the last number of centuries.

Language allows you to understand the deeper history of a country – not just the last few hundred years, important as they were to the formation of today’s Ireland. It helps you appreciate what you see around you everyday – place names, colloquialisms, your own surname.

The great works of Irish culture - all of them - are through English. Joyce, Beckett, Wilde, and Shaw aren't just better known because they wrote in English, they're better known because the worked in the greater European literary traditions - and because they were better.

You’re arguing that people shouldn’t learn Irish because Ireland’s most famous writers didn’t write in Irish? And that because they were good there’s no point pursuing other literary works that were written in Irish? What nonsense. Just because more recent writings, in English, are classics doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look for any other works. That’s like saying there’s no point reading Chaucer because the Bronte sisters wrote in more contemporary English. Beowolf reads as almost in a foreign language because it’s in such old English, yet has provided inspiration to 20^th century writers such as Tolkien and J.K. Rowling. And no one can deny the popularity of those two writers. Where would they have got without an understanding of their original language?

Nor can Irish music be taken as much of a contribution to Western arts. In fact, Irish music is better understood as resistance to Western artistic achievements. Rather than learning from the musical advances of Europe in the second half of the last millenium, Irish music is characterised by the primitive harmonic and melodic structures characteristic of peasant music from here to India.

That’s purely anti-Irish borderline racism. I understand why people accuse you of sitting in your Union Jack boxers with comments like that. Not that most right minded people in the UK would come out with comments such as that anyway.

Besides which, different countries excel in different fields of art. The European musical advances you refer to came mostly from Central and Eastern Europe, whilst Britain, Ireland, the Low Countries, France, Spain and Italy showed artistic developments in other directions. Arguably all the great European literature from the 17^th century onwards came out of Britain and Ireland. Germany had it’s musicians, we had authors.

The conflating of Irish language and Irish heritage traps us in the idea that the oldest most primitive forms of heritage on this island are somehow the authentic ones.

They are they authentic ones. But they are not the only authentic ones. Surely it is better to appreciate all, rather than the few?

Enough

I could go on. Richard has produced many more articles that I could spend hours arguing against. But I’m not going to bother. I would email this to him, but given the condescending, smug, petty way in which he responds to criticism I just don’t see the point. It would merely be dismissed as being an anti-Jewish rant, rather than the arguments of someone with a different viewpoint.

I in no way condone terrorist actions and Israeli innocents who fall victim to such activity have my deepest sympathies, as do the Lebanese and Palestinian innocents who are currently being killed by the Israeli army. Until Israel recognises its faults and responsibilities, and takes the lead in offering peace talks, there will be no end to the spiralling violence. And it’s only by taking a balanced view of both sides that compromise might be found. Neither Islamic extremism nor the profound pro-Israeli bias espoused by Mr Waghorne will breed a peaceful solution.

I’d also suggest that he moves out of Ireland, given that he seems to hold it in such low esteem!

There's Only One Owen Hargreaves

2006-07-02T07:13:00.000+09:00

It took a lad born in Canada and raised in Germany to show the team how to play like Englishmen. Well done Owen, you least of all deserved to lose.

I'm too depressed to talk about it. Feckin hate football.

Waltzing Matilda

2006-06-23T03:18:00.000+09:00

Poor Australia have never achieved much on the sporting field, other than occasionally avoiding getting a hiding off the England cricket team, and having a couple of guys who arn't too bad at doggy paddle when they get into the pool.
It shouldn't come as a great surprise therefore that their long suffering fans are lacking in original songs in order to support the boys on the field. But when they decided to run through England's back catalogue of terrace classics, did they really need to have a go at "10 German Bombers"!?

In fact, the Auzzie fans in Kaiserslauten really reminded me of someone else: England fans. Except that noone was afraid of them - it's amazing what the lack of a bad reputation will do for you! Drinking, partying, mingling and singing were all constants, and they never knowingly avoided fulfilling a stereotype. But just to review that song list:

Auzzie! Auzzie! Auzzie! Oi! Oi! Oi! :
I suspect the Welsh will lay claim to this one.
10 German Bombers :
Sadly, one of ours. But I bet we're the only ones getting grief about it.
You'll Never Walk Alone :
Straight from the well known Austalian port of Liverpool.
Three Lions (It's Coming Home) :
Well, we hope so. It'll look lovely next to The Ashes. But I'll give the Auzzies this one on the grounds of them adding "fuck off England" to every chorus. Original, whitty and clever.
The Barmy Army Theme Tune :
Sacrilege. How dare they!? Where do we come from? You come from a land down under. That's where. Stick to your own. Anyone would think you were a nation of thieves... er...
Eng-er-land :
Sadly, no they didn't. However nicely I asked.
We're Living in a Viduka Wonderland :
Probably been adapted by every English speaking football club in the world at one time or other, so we can probably let them off. Viduka Wonderland? As in Mark Viduka? Lucky them!
Waltzing Matilda :
Ok, this ones theirs. Well done guys.

Australia seem to have taken Ireland's role as the team that the home nation take to heart and to be fair on them deservedly so. They even mostly took my wearing an England shirt and a Japanese flag with good grace. So in return, I'm doing them a favour, and launching a new competition. We've had A Song for Europe. It's now time for A Chant for Australia!

To start the ball rolling (and in good old, time honoured Auzzie tradition, stolen from cricket fans):

He's fat, he's round
Freddy hit him out the ground
Shane Warne, Shane Warne!

The eventual winner will be more football related I hope. Answers on the comments pages please.

Pots and Kettles

2006-04-04T21:52:00.000+09:00

'The UK Independence Party is calling for David Cameron to apologise after he claimed its members were "fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists, mostly".'
(from BBC News Online)

© Steve Bell 2006 (steve.bell@guardian.co.uk)

Now, while I largely agree with the sentiment expressed by everyone's favourite chubby Conservative Blair-clone, was it only me that laughed out loud that it was the leader of THE TORIES saying this?

His, of course, is the party that imploded over European integration (aiding, in part, the rise of parties such as UKIP) and tried to regroup by moving further to the right of the political spectrum.
His party is the party that have been embroiled in problems with members having links with, or defecting to, the BNP.
And, it is also the party that in 2002, boasted an average member age of 65, meaning that most members are old enough to remember Enoch Powell and his 'Rivers of Blood'. Admittedly, the onset of dementia probably means they missed Michael Howard's more recent borderline racist election campaigning on asylum.

But, that aside, at least the Tories have a good, clean record with regards to loonies and fruitcakes...

© Southport On The Spot 2002

Bless 'em.

World Tour of Northern Ireland (February 2006)

2006-03-10T01:24:00.000+09:00

In the first weekend of February, Lou, Sez, Mands and myself went on a whistlestop tour of the Antrim coastline in Northern Ireland, before heading back to Lou's house in Omagh (Co. Tyrone). Pictures from the Giant's Causeway are on a seperate entry below, but here are some other highlights:

Mands, Lou and King Billy. Big Man in Northern Ireland. Small man in a big hat.

Watching the waves in Ballintoy Harbour.

Sarah admiring the tiny people inside the smallest church in the world.

Portrush beach. Sez tries to demonstrate how Max is s-shaped while Mands is surprised to find that beaches come with sand.

Sez and Mands admiring cows. The rest of the world admiring Mands' delightful get up. Sadly, she wasn't wearing this for a bet. She's gonna kill me...

This entry is dedicated to a Belfast (sort of) girl with quite literally nothing to do in work. Not too long left now kid. Keep smilin.

As The Levellers put it so well:

"Doing nothing isn't fun
When you've nothing from which to run"

The Legend of Finn McCool

2006-03-10T00:28:00.000+09:00

During our recent world tour of Northern Ireland, we spent some time at the Giant's Causeway on the north Antrim coast.

The causeway was built by Finn McCool, the legendary Irish giant. This was just one of his remarkable achievements, as he was also responsible for creating Lough Neagh and the Isle of Man, and claims to have invented the question mark.

Finn still lives at his small farmstead with his wife, where he enjoys making Poteen in his bathtub, flower arranging and listening to Crowded House.

There once was a giant, name of Finn McCool
He was poor and hungry, eating nowt but gruel
To his wife he said, to Britain I shall go
Work I shall find and a crop we can grow.

Finn needed a path, for he could not swim
But on the Antrim coast, a plan came to him
His wife she was sad but gave him her leave
As hexagonal rocks into position he did heave.

In an Irish tradition that continues to this day
The giant built a great road, the Giant’s Causeway
From Ireland to Scotland, across the sea it spanned
And Finn looked for wealth in a strange new land.

Scotland welcomed him but paid work was rare
So southwards Finn went, seeking fortune elsewhere
Of London he heard, of streets paved with gold
There was money to be made and wonders to behold.

But the city in truth wasn’t this legendary place
Intolerant and rude, no friends for a new face
“No Dogs, No Irish” on hotel signs Finn read
His accent so reviled, so from London he fled.

On his way Londoners with vegetables pelted him
Some Finn pocketed, for his hunger was grim
They called their own giant, Big Daddy his name
His skill at wrestling was the source of his fame.

You must rid us of this devil the townsfolk pleaded
He considered briefly and to their wishes conceded
For you this Irish giant I’ll hunt, and when him I find
Blood I’ll drink and his bones grind, Big Daddy cried.

Finn headed away fast and proved hard to track
But his pursuer in cunning or pace did not lack
Over hill and through glen, northwards they raced
Big Daddy never quite sighting the quarry he chased.

The North welcomed Finn back, like a long lost son
But he thought to himself with Britain, I’m done
To the delight of his wife he returned to his home
However, he was followed over his causeway of stone.

Sorry, Finn said, I’ve returned with nothing worthwhile
Rotten vegetables from his pockets he placed in a pile
But his wife looked close and saw a perfect new potato
Why, she said, surely here is a crop that we can grow.

Finally, in the arms of his wife, Finn slept like a babe
And at last Big Daddy saw him and was mortal afraid
He thought, this giant is far too great for me to endure
His causeway I’ll break, so he can reach us no more.

As fast as he could back to Britain Big Daddy did flee
Throwing the Giant’s Causeway behind him into the sea
Evermore Finn stayed in

Ireland

and came to no harm
And fed his family and friends from his new potato farm!

More information about the Giant's Causeway can be found on the National Trust's website while slightly more accurate information on the Finn McCool legend can be found on Wikipedia's Finn McCool Entry.

The Begging Bowl

2006-02-11T00:56:00.000+09:00

A begging blog on behalf of Stockport County Football Club.

(If, like me, you can’t be bothered reading missives like this then just sign-up to our reminder service and be done with it until April 25th - http://www.stockportcountytrust.com/winaplayer.htm)

Now then, we want you to win a player for Stockport County - here's why:

* Everyone would like to win £10,000. That's why people go on ‘Deal or No Deal’ to spend four weeks with Noel Edmonds and a bunch of random (current in-word for younger people) strangers instead of their loved ones (and spouses).

* Everyone finds the prospect of Leeds United winning anything insufferable and wants to see them beaten. They currently have the most votes and are top of the league for the Coca Cola win a player competition. Bah!

As a Premiership team supporter you are heartbreakingly denied the opportunity to do either of the above because your team is not eligible for the competition. That makes us here at Stockport County so very, very sad. {{wipes tear from eye}}

But at Stockport County we don't discriminate against Premiership teams and we are giving you, yes YOU Sir/Madam, for free, and at no cost to yourself, etc etc, the opportunity to:

* Win £10k for yourself (yeaaa!)

* Beat Leeds United (hey-hey-hey!)

* Be part of Stockport County actually winning something for once! (blimey!)

If you have given up the will to keep on reading, then join our voting reminder service (it’s only until April 25th) here – http://www.stockportcountytrust.com/winaplayer.htm

Now, why enter for the team "Stockport County"?

* Everybody likes an underdog. They like their own team – AND an underdog.

* If you are looking for an underdog to like, then they come no more under and canine-like than Stockport County - officially the 92nd best club in the country as things stand. Underdog that! (You can try, but you can’t.) If we were your dog, you would have named us 'Stocky' and we would currently be laying obediently at your feet looking up with sad 'vote for me' doe-eyes.

* We are a club owned by the fans and if we won then the prize money wouldn’t be subsidising the pocket of a single owner of the club, rather all the owners - the fans of Stockport County.

Still here? Want to stop yet? Go to http://www.stockportcountytrust.com/winaplayer.htm and sign-up

THE CLINCHER!

You are one hard cookie to convince. You’ve had the soft sell, now let’s talk serious.

If we don't deserve your vote for a player in the Coca Cola Win a Player competition more than any of the other participating teams, then Carlton Palmer, having cut his managerial teeth at Stockport County, will, once we plant incriminating evidence showing the England Selection Panel in compromising positions at a well known underground bar in Soho, become the next England manager.

IS THAT THE SOUND OF YOUR UNDERWEAR FLAPPING?!?! Form a queue - http://www.stockportcountytrust.com/winaplayer.htm

Yours, on behalf of all long suffering county fans

P.S. Pass this on to ALL your Premiership team supporting mates, ta! Luv you!

George W Bushisms

2006-01-06T04:03:00.000+09:00

Every year, a well meaning member of my family thinks to themselves "what Matt really needs this Christmas is a calender where he has to tear off a page each day to work out what day it is!" and buys me some variety of the aforementioned.

This, of course, shows a complete lack of awareness of what a lazy sod I am, and that I'm about as likely to tear a page off each day as I am to update this blog regularly. But it's nice to know that my family still have completely unjustified misplaced faith in me. It's not dissimilar to my supporting of Stockport County.

I've only just got round to opening it today, gone straight to the 5th of January, and doubtless will now forget about it for at least 6 months. But, by then, Christmas will once again be on the horizon and I can look forward to next years variety.

This years edition features the comedy stylings of everybody's favourite "leader of the free world"'s puppet. Shame Dick Cheney isn't so quotable. Then he could really have the job.

Todays quote reads "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." It was made in Washington D.C on August 5th, 2004. (Why not find one from January 5th? There must be at least one...lets face it, everytime he opens his mouth the entire White House holds it's breath...)

I can't decide if the quote is funny because it's not what he meant to say, or depressing because it's completely true.

And on a similar vein, Film Recommendation Of The Day is Terry Gilliam's Brazil. Go rent it. It's up there with Orwell for a chillingly accurate prediction of the future.

Jimmy Saville Jnr

2006-01-06T03:59:00.000+09:00

If anyone was in any doubt at all about why I've relocated to the UK for the forseeable future, this picture should explain it all...

Yes, my mother is currently trying to turn my step-niece into Jimmy Saville Jnr. For the sake of humanity, the woman must be stopped.

Don't cry for me, Osakatina

2005-12-18T07:54:00.000+09:00

What's this? Another post? [Insert buses reference here]
Well, yes. Technically this is the post I was going to put up before I got sidetracked with my ranting. Carol Thatcher, honestly...shocks me like...

Here's some photos from my Osaka sayanara. It's been emotional.

The largely non-Irish members of the Irish Mafia are lined up for questioning. And shots. From left to right: Oz Matt, Me, Mick, Gav (at back) and Gregg. Don't trust any of these people. Particularly with your drink.

Even Philosophers corner was stumped by this one.
Me and Max. And limited thought processing capabilities.

And the Irish Keep On Gatecrashing.
Anto and Me. Our highly entertaining Dummy And Ventraloquist act had to be cancelled due to being in different continents. Noone believes I can throw my voice that far.

Kawaii. And apparently somewhat unbalanced.
Mai. This girl knows far too much about water filters.

Colleagues and friends begged me to reconsider. They just didn't want me to leave. But I had to break their hearts.
Adam, Tom and Miranda. 2 Americans and a Welshman. All of them secretly wish they were English.

And thats it, there is no more. Stockers has left the building.

Mac The Knife

2005-12-18T05:51:00.000+09:00

Hey Blog Fans!

Hope you're all having a blogtastic time out there in world wide cyber intra web thing. Yes, I'm back! Your life once again has meaning.

It was suggested when we first embarked upon this venture so many moons ago, that it was purely a vehicle with which to annoy Jack and Lars and that afterwards I'd have better things to do than spout nonsense on here.
However, that prediction was miles wide of the mark. I haven't had anything better to do, I'm just incredibly lazy.

So yes, the rumours are true, I'm leaving today, and Old Mac is back in town. Well, it's true if for 'today' you read '3 months ago', for 'old' read 'mid twenties' and for 'Mac' read 'Matt', 'Haggis', 'Stockers', 'Pisstank' and any other random name thats been attached to me in the last 10 years or so. The town in question...New Mills.

[The crowd gasp, and then rustling noises are heard as they search for their maps, desperate for the fastest route to this glorious locale]

Yes, New Mills. Except during the day when Sheffield is providing a location for work. My return for retail not only rendering the last 3 years irrelevant, but being just in time for that special seasonal treat for all shopworkers - the looped christmas tape. Yes, dagnamnit, they do know it's Christmas time. They just can't get hold of a turkey.
Ah, New Mills, New Mills... one of the truely great hives of villany and scum. It's like Mos Eisley, except with less attractive aliens. On the surface, it looks so nice. Such a shame it has to be populated by people dressing like they're from south central LA while affecting Manc accents and claiming to be gangsters on the ground they sold a teenth of weed to their mates once.
How we produced Tess Daly God only knows, but at least she had the sense to leave.

A random photo of a snowman in upper northside New Mills. Just to the right of this picture, a child is stealing the screw caps off car tyre valves. His father's car to be precise, not even having the sense to do his stealing AT A DIFFERENT HOUSE. He's one of the few pupils the school still has high hopes for.

Some thoughts on Britain since my stumbling, misjudged return (basically, what the state of the nation speech would be if The Great Party Of The North was the ruling party and Britain was, in fact, America):

*Scallies, Chavs - whatever. I don't care what they're called. They're a bloody nuisance. Not least because they make me question my normally liberal values. Because, for example:

*Government posters telling me to keep any posessions of value hidden at all times. What if I need to change tracks on my MP3 player? I'm not supposed to because some antisocial little shit might see me and fancy getting one on the cheap?
Isn't this campaign missing the point? Shouldn't we be creating a society where people arn't afraid of being seen with white headphones in case they get smacked around the back of the head?
I could walk down the streets at 5 am in Japan absolutely hammered drunk, with a ridiculous amount of cash, a mobile phone, maybe a camera and say an MD player in my pocket and no fear of getting attacked. THATS A GOOD THING. Admittedly, I am taller than most Japanese people.
And people wonder why kids from Pakistani families growing up here don't see it as some kind of utopia.

*Julie Birchill. Where does this woman get off? Telling me I don't like chavs because I'm middle class? That Chav is merely a new label for the working class who I'm running scared of?
No love, I'm not scared of the working class. I'm scared of you. You get your own program on TV. People hear you spouting this rubbish and some will actually BELIEVE IT.

*Sudoku is very addictive, but I never heard of it in Japanland.

*Christmas Songs. There's a reason why downbeat songs keep getting the christmas #1 - we're all being driven mad by the looped christmas classics that're shoved down our throats from the 1st november. I'm already sick of Christmas and we haven't even put our tree up yet.

*How did "My Humps" get onto the GAME Christmas tape? Does it qualify as a Christmas song? I have doubts about it's claims of even being a song.

*Servis Air are a bunch of absolute bastards.

*Reality Shows. Lets shove a camera into the house of commons 24/7 and vote 1 mp out a week over the course of a parliament. Last man standing gets to be PM next time round. It might reignite some interest in politics. Although, given that the puplic at large just voted for Carol Thatcher in "I'm a Celebrity..." maybe this isn't such a good idea. And how did Carol Thatcher even qualify as a celebrity anyway?

*How difficult is it to realise that if people are having to stand on a train everyday that THE TRAIN ISN'T RUDDY LONG ENOUGH?

*BBC News website reporting of the XBOX 360. Has the technology editor got a thing for Japanese women? How many times has he used pics of J-girls holding xboxes? And how are said women holding the boxes so easily? I've moved a fair number of them, and I can tell you, they're a dead weight.(Xbox 360 article).

*Smaller sized Guardian. I like it.

*Customer service in Britain really is terrible.

*Peter Crouch. Good touch for a big man.

*Bitter is great.

*Bitter isn't enough to stop me missing Japan.

Well thats goodnight from him, and it's good night from me. Doubtless I'll see you here again, in oooh, 6 months or so. In the meantime, check in with Fintan or Ciara's blogs. They update occasionally.

Previously, on THE GREAT PARTY OF THE NORTH

2005-05-25T15:00:00.000+09:00

Along time ago, in a galaxy far far away....

[cue: dark screen and childhood defining music beginning to play as the yellow writing scrolls]

Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Buffy kept beating up people just for being evil or undead while she grew older, more sarcastic, showed a shockingly bad taste in men and arguably became too thin before she died and was brought back to life by her friend who was also obviously evil cos she was ginger and quite good at black magic (don't you just know the sort) but then it all worked out and they all lived happily ever after. Apart from all the people who died of course.

Ahh, wrong sardonic legend of generation X. Where were we?

Previously, on Matt Talking Out Of His Backside
Oh yeah, some drunk idiot, I forget his name, but I have a remarkable ability to talk rubbish, often in the third person, anyway, he had an idea about creating a new political party called 'The Great Party of the North', however, he did bugger all about it, instead, moving to Osaka quite a long time ago and getting drunk while slagging off Thatcher, the tories and the south of England. Especially London. And Thatcher.*
In this time, Stockport County went from being bad and virtually unknown, to being abysmal and virtually unknown. But a hatter I am, and a hatter I will stay.

Time passed by, and the hobbits of the shire went about pretty much unaware of the outside world, and for that, I'm truely grateful...
[nb. quote technically made up due to a lack of book to check it against. And lack of arsedness to do anything remotely resembling research.]

Then Jack set up a blog and invited suggestions, which of course is a really silly thing to do given the people he knows. So now this blog has come into being to allow me, or him, depending upon their mood, to give Jack pointers on how to humiliate Lars while traveling around China. And if this trend continues, soon everyone in the world will have a blog, and we'll no longer communicate with each other, merely all read each others posts and live vicarously though one another while all simultaneously reflecting upon how the grass is always greener on the other side.**

And after that, I picked up a pool cue, killed the vampire while saying something witty before going back in time, helping my parents meet, climbing in and out of the fit girl next door's bedroom window and then joining the dark side with the ominous statement "Oh go on then, I'll do as you say you ugly old goat."

*Technically said party wasn't his, or my, or even their, original idea. But it sounded good for a laugh. And the drinking in Osaka has been all my own work. Well, and the people with me. And the blaming everything on Thatcher. Especially Thatcher. [Feels fuming hatred begin to grow once more]

**The grass isn't greener on this side. There is no grass in Osaka. There are also no Lions in England.